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What Guys Think Of Your Halloween Costume

Hi everyone! I’m a straight dude who The Betches feel is probably a lot like the guy you’re texting/hooking up with. So they’ve been asking me questions in search of straightforward, honest answers that the guy you’re seeing probably won’t be able to give. I’ve broken down the dating apps, one-piece bathing suits, job titles, and sex numbers. So grab that phone, go take a poop (don’t worry, I won’t tell) and enjoy The Betches’ next question of the male mind…

I’ll speak for every guy right now: “sexy” anything is fine by us. And whatever “sexy _____” you decide on, fucking go for it.

The problem with the internet is we get caught up with this whole idea of being “basic” based on the realization that we’re all pretty unoriginal and everyone feels the need to apologize at every turn. I understand that we’ve finally come to the conclusion that we’re not special snowflakes. Our Baby Boomer parents pushed that narrative because their parents, The Greatest Generation, weren’t that great of huggers. So now we all feel bad when that idea to go to Mykonos wasn’t exactly original after seeing 500 Instagram stories with white ceramic roofs. But if I hear one more girl apologize for being basic because she wanted to enjoy a coffee, I’m going to freak out at my next SoulCycle class and then run to Lululemon, try everything on that doesn’t fit, and spend the rest of the day eating pumpkin spice Xanax.

It’s enough. Basic is good. It’s fun. Go to Mykonos on the direct flight that now exists because we all want to go! And keep dressing sexy for Halloween without apology. Go be a sexy baby, and be the most fuckable goddamn baby you can be without any apologies and digressions. Please, give me the small opportunity to whisper, “Ugh, that baby’s ass looks so good in that diaper” without feeling weird about it. This is Halloween, bitches. It’s time to be who we really are and that’s completely the same as everyone else.

Now, what do guys think of your costumes? Here are some thoughts. If I missed any of your costumes, DM me a picture on Instagram (@JaredFreid). I’ll give you some thoughts after I masturbate to your “Sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg.”

Slutty Cat

You won’t think much of your “sexy cat” costume because you did it last year, and you threw it together so you wouldn’t be the only one who didn’t dress up for Halloween. But, surprisingly, guys will be into it. Think of it as the white T-shirt and jeans of Halloween costumes. Girls won’t wear white T-shirts and jeans on a daily basis because it doesn’t feel like “enough”, so when they do wear it, it actually becomes different. Guys like different. It’s every guy’s dream to have sex with the same girl who feels like she’s a different girl (yes, we’re disgusting). So unless you paint your nose black and paint on some whiskers to go to work, this subtle change will be a big one for our penis.

Slutty Nurse/Police Officer/Any Profession

We love these costumes. And you know what? Every guy wants these slutty professionals to make the same amount as their slutty male coworkers! A policewoman in short shorts should be making just as much as an assless chaps policeman. A female CEO should be able to afford the same black-rimmed glasses as a man!! Yes all slutty professionals!!!

A Throwback Costume

Go for it. If you want to dress as Elaine and you like, nail it, we are happy for you. Here’s the issue with going as TV characters, and to be fair guys do this way more than girls: Please don’t try and do the character all night. There’s a point where it’s funny and cute. And then it’s like, “Am I talking to Laura or Laura from ?” It’s tough to know when this two-person sketch team ends and when our conversation about having brunch the next day begins.

A Punny Costume

Love it. But take a little bit of responsibility if someone doesn’t get it. Like, if everyone gets it and one guy doesn’t, maybe stop talking to that one guy. You obviously have nothing in common. Don’t sit there embarrassing him because he probably didn’t do well on the SATs. But if like, eight people don’t get your pun, own it. Sometimes jokes bomb and that’s your problem. You’re not the only one who took an AP class. Maybe it missed the mark and the guy who didn’t go crazy laughing isn’t alone. Don’t blame it on how you’re “sarcastic” and “people don’t get your sense of humor” because in this case, “sarcastic” means “annoying” and “people” means “everyone.”

Lingerie And Animal Ears

Very similar to the “sexy cat,” where we’re just happy to see anything different from the normal attire. But don’t subtly ignore the fact that you’re in lingerie (which is great). If a girl in boy shorts and a lacy bra ran up to me and was like “Meow!” I’m not really thinking a person dressed as a cat just said hi. I’m checking you out while wondering if you lost your mind and started making cat noises.

Celebrity/Relevant Pop Culture Moment

Guys either love or hate these costumes. They love them if they have any knowledge of the show. Now they know you’re a fan and they have something to talk to you about that isn’t your job or major or any other conversation that could have just happened on Bumble. This costume, worn like a sign that displays your interests, is like a map to your vagina.

Now, if we haven’t seen the show/reference, this is a huge issue. In this case, a couple things can happen. We can lie and say we do have some knowledge of the show while we google “Vanderpump Wiki” in the bathroom. Or we can say we have no idea what you’re dressed as or that we don’t watch the show and see you look like a kid who opened up a Christmas gift where the only thing inside was you not orgasming.

Feminist Icons

If there was ever a year to dress as a feminist icon, this would be the one. A sexy Gloria Steinem (I know she’s already sexy and all women are beautiful, but like, one with big tits). Or maybe a sultry Betty Friedan. What about a young Suzy B Anthony? Or Billie Jean King in that little tennis skirt? Again, guys are going to like anything you do because it’ll be different. But we are really going to like the idea of the power exchange. So many times the guy has to make the plans and choose the restaurant and those are small things to ask. But walk in wearing that Rosie The Riveter outfit or that Billie Jean King tennis skirt and, man oh man, we’ll be ready to get aced! (Not choose the dinner location or have a finger in our butt.)

 

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