I remember thinking how special that night was for me. Only thinking about it made me smile. It made me blush, it made me happy.
But if I had known that was going to be our last time together, I would have done everything so differently.
First, I would have held you a little bit longer after making love to you in my single bed. I would have snuggled closer to you just so I could enjoy your perfume. I would had drawn patterns all over your chest just because I knew how much you loved it, especially when I wrote little silly sentences over it so you could guess them. Yeah, that was our thing.
I would have reminded you how much I loved our body’s being chest to chest, bare naked. Just because it felt so intimate and yet so unique. Do you remember how I would always say it after laying by your side for a while?
I would have said a million times “I love you”, because I did. I loved you so bad, that I never knew how much I did until you left me. I would have kissed you endlessly just to memorize the taste of your lips, just to remind myself how badly you’d ruined me that simple gesture for the rest of my life.
I would have made you laugh. Oh, boy. You never knew how much I loved your laugh. It was my favorite sound. You know why? Because it was the first thing that I was eager to heard after a bad day. It was innocent and childish. It was hope to me.
I would have held your little finger around mine just like we used to do when we walked around the street. Another of our traditions, never holding hands, just our little fingers. I would have told you every little thing I used to love about you, just to annoy you.
I would have kissed you again. Just because I could. Just because you were mine. I would have said over and over that I was yours and you were mine, while we showered after our reckless late nights together.
I would have stayed up all night watching you sleep, that way I could have a long last lasting memory of you in my bed.
But the thing that I regret the most, is actually doing those things and watching you not giving a damn about it. I regret not looking at you before walking away. Away from you, us and what it used to be.
I regret not fighting harder for you while I watched you growing apart and building a concrete wall between us. I regret how much I regret loving you. Because it hurts every night when I lay awake thinking how someone else makes you happy when I couldn’t.
Not when I said “I love you”. Not when I kissed you just because I could. Not when I held you tighter at night just to make sure there were not distance between us. Not when I made you laugh. Not when I cried because you were leaving me for good, never turning around to make sure I was okay.
But, I would do it all over again if it means having you. If it means that you are staying this time.
I would do it all over again only if it means you are the one doing all this things for me.
Just because you can.
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